Friday, February 27, 2015

Prudence Porn



Well, since all you animal nutters asked, 
I FINALLY figured out how to load videos on this dang thing. 

Oh, and for anyone who clicked this link hoping for real porn, 
Sorry. 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

ALL NYC PEOPLE, PLEASE HELP! "DOG WALKER LOSES WOMAN'S PIT BULL AFTER MELTDOWN"

PLEASE RETWEET, POST ON FACEBOOK

Dog walker loses woman’s pit bull after meltdown

It’s every dog owner’s nightmare.
An East Village woman entrusted her beloved pooch to a neighborhood dog walker while she was on a business trip — and he lost the pet in the cold, she told The Post on Tuesday.
Modal Trigger
Bogle was in London on business when the incident took place.Photo: Chad Rachman
“I’m absolutely devastated. I want my dog back. I seem like I’m holding it together, but I’m not. I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown,” said Morgan Bogle, 33, who owns a vegan fashion company.
Bogle said she trusted her longtime dog walker to care for her sweet pit bull mix, Sugar — a rescue animal she adopted in The Bronx four years ago — while she flew to London on business last week.
But the man flipped out while she was away, kicking the front door of her apartment Monday while shouting and swearing, witnesses said.
“He was screaming, ‘F–k you! Let me in the f–king house now!’ ” a witness said, adding that Sugar was nowhere in sight.
“He seemed manic . . . I told him, ‘You’re acting like a lunatic.’ He was muttering stuff, but it wasn’t coherent at all,” the witness said.
A neighbor texted Bogle, and she sent a friend to the dog walker’s apartment. The pal spotted the man hiding behind a trash can outside and “acting strange,” Bogle said.
She said the pal called police, but they found no sign of Sugar.
The dog’s collar and sweater were discovered inside the apartment — but the walker had no explanation as to where she was, Bogle said.
“I realized it was going to be 7 degrees outside and that Sugar was nowhere to be found . . . I just want my dog back home,” Bogle said.
Bogle quickly flew home, and she and friends have been posting dozens of lost-dog posters around the neighborhood offering a “reward for safe return.”
She said she has had the same dog walker for three years and never had any trouble.
One neighbor called him a fixture in the neighborhood.
Bogle, who runs the animal-friendly fashion company Freedom of Animals, is offering a $5,000 reward.
Anyone with information should email her at findsugarNYC@gmail.com.
Sugar also goes by “Shugy” and is friendly with people, she said.
FILED UNDER     

Saturday, February 21, 2015

One Of Those People


You know those people?
The ones who don't bother to ask before forcing you to endure endless photos 
of their children, their pets or, God forbid, a 20-minute film of their Anniversary cruise?

The people my sister and I have always snickered about behind their backs?
Well, ha ha ha. The jokes on me.
I've now become one of them. 
"Hello. My name is Kristen and I'm hopelessly addicted to showing people photos of my dog. Wanna see?"

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

KJo's Kolumn of Adequate Expertise




Off the twitter and it feels so good....

First of all I wanted to say that I had been planning to take a twitter break at this time for months.

I knew there wouldn't be new episodes of The Exes for a while, and it seemed like a good time. So, I decided to share my cyberbullying tale & then go.
(Which I later took down, I didn't want to have to read that poison every day. Blech)

Initially, I planned my usual month-long break, but now I'm just not sure. Twitter is full of amazing people, but they have no good policies in place to protect people. Assholes, I can handle. People who enjoy telling me I suck? Love it. Perverts? Piece of cake. But full-blown psychotically obsessed, hate-filled nutcases? No siree, not my wheelhouse.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

I've decided to take down GUTLESS for now.
Thank you so much for all your comments. I read every one.

Right now I'd prefer to focus my energy on positive things, like SLAM, The Exes, my next book, friends, family...
And, as always, Prudence the Princess of Poop.



Oh, and don't think I forgot about that Q & A blog...Sorry. got a wee bit sidetracked there.

Much Love & Kisses

KJo

PS...to Adrienne, who commented on GUTLESS that she was the one jumping in & answering people's questions...I didn't mind in the LEAST. You gave very wise feedback. However, since I asked people to ask questions, and you answered w/o signing your name...to some, it appeared as though I was the one answering people's questions, and I wasn't. That's all, just clarifying to people. Thank you for your lovely remarks & support.

PPS...those sneakers are my skateboarder friend Stefan Janoski's. He's a BADASS, just google him.


Friday, January 9, 2015

Dear Prudence




Anyone who knows me, knows I'm devoted to rescuing Pit Bulls. Over the years, they've brought me such joy. However, as I was browsing the internet looking for a pitty to rescue, I came across an English Bulldog Rescue. Welcome to Southern California Bulldog Rescue - Southern California Bulldog Rescue

I grew up with English Bulldogs, and have always adored them. So I thought "What the hell...I'll check it out." That's when I saw Prudence (then named Nala.)

Sunday, December 14, 2014

UPDATE!!!!! Lena's Last Stand


Lena & her daughter Brianna are coming to LA to see my rheumatologist Dr. Daniel Wallace on Jan 28th!
So many of you have been incredibly generous, thank you so much. It's because of you that this trip is even possible. I know it's meant the world to Lena. 

Because of the very complex circumstances that are involved when Lena travels on an airplane (Oxygen tank, etc)...as well as keeping her safe & comfortable here in LA, I'd like to ask that if any of you are inspired to donate any sum of money, it would mean the world to the Zellers.
(go fund me link below)

The other thrilling news is they'll be here in time for a taping of The Exes!!!!
If you haven't yet met the extraordinary Lena, are you in for a treat......


I'm so proud to be able to share with you my very first guest column.

When I created this blog in March,  my objective was always to share not only my own writing, but I also wanted to provide a voice to those who otherwise wouldn't have one.


I'm thrilled and honored to present to you the very first guest column on kjosbigmouth.com.


In the spirit of full disclosure, I did work with the author on editing the piece, she'd never written anything before in her life.  But her truth, rawness, and maginficent spirit just blew me away.


Following her story, I'll share some more important information on this magnificent warrior.

Until then, I hope you enjoy her heroic story of terror, hope, joy, strength and the extraordinary power of love.

This is....
                                                           Lena's Last Stand
by Lena Zeller 

          "Judge me all you want but keep the verdict to yourself"                                                

-author unknown 

Our eyes met in the mirror.
I've never seen her look more beautiful in her entire life than she did at that moment. We both knew this dress was "the one".  I was shocked and mortified to realize I was sobbing with loud abandon, drawing stares from the other customers in the store. I knew I was doing the ugly cry, which is completly out of character for me, but how could I not? 
I wanted to explain that my hysteria wasn't simply because shopping for your child's wedding dress is one of the most important, powerful, joyous, and special experiences a mother could ever share with her daughter. 
I wanted to let these impossibly lucky women understand how blessed they were. That my tears were the result of being slammed out of no where by a brick wall of sorrow, grief, terror and deep, bone-chilling regret. 
Because I now know I'll never see her wear this dress again. (And not just due to the fact that she's yet to even meet her groom.)

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Pinky




Pinky Johnston died at 7:07 pm tonight, on Saturday November 29th, 2014.

I had to give her a small tribute, or I'd go mad.

Pinky was rescued by the ASPCA in NYC.  She was a breeding bitch, and clearly starving when they saved her. By the time I met her a month later, she had been fed well & treated beautifully by the ASPCA.
I'll never forget that day as long as I live.
She was the very first of 100s of dogs I was planning on meeting.
Her name then was "Cookie," and the second I sat on the floor to say hi, she immediately plopped in my lap and looked up at me.
I laughed, looked up at my friend Anouk, and said "Well, I guess she's the one!"
The adoption lady was like "Are you sure? You don't want to see any other ones?"
"Nope. She's the one. I know it."

And she was.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

You'll Never Guess What I'm Most Thankful For....


Today, most people are deeply thankful to those they know who've shown them kindness, generosity, and compassion. They thank God they know people who support them and tell them how wise, talented and beautiful they are. I sure as hell am beyond grateful to them as well.

But flip that coin a second. Some people's day is ruined because some dude not only cut them off in traffic, but decided to give them the finger. Some can't fathom why their mother still adores making them feel like a fat ugly failure. (Hint: Mommy don't feel so hot about herself.) Some are crushed that their newly rehabbed brother showed up today clearly high as a kite. Some are revolted when grown-ups use twitter to do everything they can to destroy another person's life, family, livelihood or reputation.

And on the surface, of course I'm the same.
But scratch me a little deeper, and you'll discover quite the opposite is true.

Monday, November 24, 2014

FINALLY!!!! SLAM update!!!


I know you guys have been dying to know about SLAMnyc.org, and any updates...and I FINALLY have one for you!

First of all, whether you've given us $25 or $250, each and every donation has meant the world to us, and is finally being put to good use.

To fill you in, 8 years ago I heard that there were over 30 sober high schools throughout the US.  4 in Boston area alone.
Yet NYC & state has zero.

We at SLAM have worked our asses off trying to get the NYC board of Ed to give us a yes to go ahead with the school, and despite many people passionately supporting the idea, and multiple meetings with the board, we've been unsuccessful.

Our one true champion through all of this has been Erik Bottcher as well as Michelle Lipinski, the brilliant & talented principal of our sister school in Mass, North Shore Recovery High school.
She's come down to meetings at city hall, attended fundraisers, always bringing dazzling graduates of her program.

I have to be totally honest, I was on the verge of shutting SLAM down & donating the raised funds to Michelles school. I mean, after multiple failed attempts to get the board to understand the dire necessity of a program like this, I began to feel hopeless.

Thank God for our passionate board, run by Thomas Krauss, and the exceptional support of Joe Schrank, Dr. Scott Beinenfeld, Julie Michaels, and ALL OF YOU.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Mrs. Chan




Age has never really mattered to me, except the last 2 years of high school.
This is when something happened that propelled me overnight from a gawky theater geek with a terrible personality to the most in-demand invitee to every party.
I wish I could say this was due to my charm, intelligence, humor, or even my staggeringly high tolerance for booze.
But it wasn't.
I had a fake I.D.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Something Wicked This Way Comes



-Julian Baggini

I want to make VERY CLEAR that even though this blog refers to the country singer Leann Rimes numerous times, what you’re about to read has absolutely nothing to do with my personal opinion of her. This is NOT about whether she's guilty or innocent of inciting certain behaviors, nor does it have anything to do with her personal life, conduct, talent, or twitter habits. I’m well aware that people will try to make it about that, but that subject has already been addressed,  relentlessly, by others. I'm not interested.

Instead, I wanted to talk about the behavior I’ve witnessed on twitter that seems to surround Ms. Rimes.  There is an all out, kill-or-be-killed war that’s been brewing for years between Ms. Rimes’ fans and those who...well, aren’t. 

Writing this, I tried to be as objective as humanly possible. Some of my twitter followers adore her. Many of my followers hate her. I honestly don’t give a shit either way. I’m cool with anyone interacting with me as long as they’re respectful of my beliefs. If they are, I’m respectful of theirs.

Frankly, I don’t comprehend the depth of these feelings either way about any celebrity, but recently it's erupted into something much bigger than her.  When it comes to Ms. Rimes...people seem to have forgotten that NOT EVERYONE MUST LIKE THE SAME THING. And, conversely...NOT EVERYONE MUST HATE THE SAME THING.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Lost Souls of Social Media


For most of my life, I looked down on Celebrities who felt the need to splurt the intimate details of their personal lives everywhere. I've always thought it was tacky. As an actor, I believe it's essential to keep a modicum of mystery so you're believable as different characters. Not to mention, it can make you appear desperate for attention.

If you read Guts, or any other part of this blog, you're probably thinking I'm an open book. But let me assure you, this is far from the case. Certainly, I'm now quite happily honest about certain aspects of my life. But I still believe other parts of my life are sacred and therefore, I keep them as private as possible.  For instance: I rarely share specifics of my love life, friendships, family nor have I ever let a magazine photograph my home.

I was raised to keep everything personal private. I was taught to hide, lie, or say "no comment." From a young age I undersood that whatever you present to people is what matters, not how you really feel. (Is it any wonder I became a pill-popping lush?) Therefore, when Social Media first came along, I completely ignored it. I knew next to nothing about it, except I was savvy enough to know that there is no crueler being on earth than a nameless, faceless entinty hidden behind a computer screen. It all sounded so hideous to me...why on earth would anyone open themselves up to the slings and arrows of the bitter and ball-less?

Saturday, August 30, 2014

My Brilliant Idea (Update: All sketches sold out in 20 mins!)

But please, enjoy this blog ...


The idea hit me a few days ago, out of the blue. 
"Good God, I'm a genius!"

I immediately called my friend, the designer Christian Siriano, who instantly agreed.

(With the idea, that is. Let's just assume he already knows I'm a genius.)
I hope you guys will agree, once you hear my evil plan.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

I Hate Women


 Oh, alright, that’s not quite true, but you have to admit “I hate most women,” doesn’t have quite the same zing. Of course, I’m excluding the women I’m friends with and the women I’ve yet to meet whom I would be friends with. But let’s be honest: most women are assholes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it goes without saying that men are assholes, too. But we’ve known that since forever. Ask a man if he’s an asshole and he’ll instantaneously say “yep” then scratch his balls, fart and pass out again. But ask a woman?  Her mouth will fall open and her eyes will well up with tears. Eventually, she’ll stammer “I...I...Of course not! How dare you!” The tears begin to fall “I am a wonderful mother, a terrific wife, a fantastic boss, and a loyal friend. I’m devastated you even asked!” 

Monday, August 4, 2014

One More Tale

I'm so over discussing my past medical woes. Believe me, I can't wait to move on.
But before I do, I knew there was one last part of my tale left to be told, a last chapter, if you will....
The overwhelming reception I've received from people suffering from auto-immune diseases,  have inspired me to share with you a few emails I wrote to a small group of my closest friends & family throughout last fall/winter. 
They are verbatim, with certain names and identifying characteristics removed to protect other people's privacy.
 I'm hoping this can shed even more light on the baffling and chronic disease of Lupus.
While many suffer for years, or remain undiagnosed or improperly treated, I know damn well I'm beyond fortunate to be in remission (for now.)
However, I didn't feel very lucky at the time, as you'll soon see. 

I began feeling terrible in August of last year...

Friday, July 11, 2014

Looking into the Belly of the Beast

Belly of the Beast (definition) - To be in a dangerous place.

This has been an incredibly challenging blog post for me to write. I've gone back and forth for weeks, so torn. I considered not writing it at all, or waiting until much later, but I know I can't truly move on until it's out there. I've only told close friends and family, because I still wasn't certain if I wanted to share it publicly at all.

I decided to do so, because even though it's quite harrowing and painful, very personal and deeply humbling, I honestly believe it may give hope to those who need it...People who don't think they can get through terrible events and stay sober. But mostly, I wrote this for people in recovery from opiates who find themselves in a situation where they must take them.  I want them to know that it's possible - that if care is taken, relapse isn't inevitable.


Friday, May 9, 2014

The Ghost of Arzy

I don’t know about you guys, but I'm desensitized to almost every awful news story.   
For example, when Matt Lauer says "A man in Florida (Or Texas, it's usually one of those 2 states for some reason) was arrested yesterday, charged with the murder of  45 little schoolgirls,” or I hear that  “A bomb went off in such and such High School”
or a friend tells me that a  “Mudslide killed thousands in Italy, " I may feel a small ping of  sympathy or fascination. Sometimes I may even get upset for a few minutes, until my roommate’s dog Rio decides to shit on my bed or I’m running late for a dinner date, and poof. Like magic, I never think of those poor wee schoolgirls or those muddy Italians again.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Jenny, I Got Your Number

“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit”
                  -Shakespeare, 12th Night


Perhaps the most gratifying part of becoming an old hag is finally understanding that there’s a yin and yang to almost everything in life.

Yes, even with social media.
The beauty of it is that it gives a voice to so many deserving people.
The ugliness of it is that it also gives the same to so many undeserving.

I’m not proud of the fact that for a great portion of my life, I had a profound mistrust of people. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I even disliked most of them. This is partially due to the “ick” factor that happens when one becomes suddenly famous: There you are, the same idiotic buffoon you always were, and overnight you’ve become the prom queen. 
It’s just kind of gross. So there’s that.
But admittedly, most of my aversion to people I attribute to my chronic, life-threatening addiction, and the horrific depression and self-hatred that accompanied it.

Which is why, pretty much from the age of 25 until I got sober at age 39, I trusted only a tiny group of people I’d known for many years. The rest of the world I would smile politely at, certain they wanted my friendship simply because I happened to be smashed on the head with the famous stick.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

The Dreamcatcher

I decided to dust off a few other old writings. This one was written on March 10th of this year, my 7 year sobriety date.


Seven years ago today I walked into rehab a shivering, mortified, miserable, drunk & high mess. I went to The Meadows, in Wickenburg, Arizona...a town out of the old west, with cowboys, Indians and old storefronts. It looked like a set from 'High Noon.' 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

STELLA


                 STELLA




The Endless Farts and Tiny Mind of a Darling Disaster

by Kristen Johnston

Within the first 8 months of my sobriety, I lost both of my beloved dogs, Stella & Lulu.  Lulu had been my constant companion for 16 years, Stella for 12.  Lulu was drop-dead gorgeous, flirty, and without question, the smartest animal I’ve ever known. She had glossy, fluffy, black fur, always smelled good (even after a hike), and her two front paws looked like they were dipped in dalmation.  She was remarkable. 
Stella was...well, Stella was none of those things.  She was like the homely sister of a model or a movie star.  She was stout, snorty, stinky and her lower jaw jutted out (all the better to see her hilariously awful teeth).  She was blessed with the remarkable skill of ripping indescribably awful farts seconds before you sat next to her. Her timing was uncanny. 
Oh, and it’s worth mentioning that she had the mental capacity of a stick of wood.
Poor Stella.  
Think Helen Klum,  Jessica Aniston, Candy Theron or Ashley Jolie.  However, instead of being jealous, Stella was oblivious to all the attention Lulu would ineveitably draw from the throngs of admirers on New York City sidewalks. Instead would waddle along; a happy, stupid, kind creature.  They utterly adored each other.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Morgan Asked

My memoir GUTS was released in March of 2012. Before it’s release, my Literary agent convinced me to join twitter & facebook. Eww, blech. Why would I want to read mean crap people thought about me? Besides, what if the book was poorly received? 
She ignored me (as usual) and insisted.

I’m so glad she did.
Because while I most certainly have had my fair share of insults (curiously, often misspelled) and trolls, I’ve also met some truly incredible people who’ve really impacted my life.  Morgan, then only 14 years old, is one of them. 

We met on twitter, and from the start, she asked questions that would take me hours, sometimes days to answer.
I wanted to answer truthfully, but I also knew how important words are to teens, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing.
These are just a few of our exchanges....


Saturday, April 12, 2014

One Last Big Break



When did it happen? That subtle shift? When did addiction evolve from something unspeakable to fun entertainment for the whole family?

Today, when a celebrity begins to emanate that now-familiar whiff of an impending crash-and-burn (hospitalized due to "exhaustion"? A drunken talk show appearance, perhaps?) we all make popcorn and pull up our chairs.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Embracing My Inner Bitch


A few months ago, I wrote a guest-blog for someone else's blog. My first entry (and believe me, the one I wish I'd gone with) is below. I tinkered with it and I hope you like it.


Something's been bothering me for a while now, but I haven't mentioned it since it's one of those tricky subjects that could easily make me seem bitter and bitchy.
But then I thought to myself "Well, you are bitter and bitchy about this, why not just own it?"
Yeah, why not?


Saturday, April 5, 2014

Slaying a Different Dragon

Way back in yesteryear, pre-blog, whenever I had something longer than a sentence to share, I had to settle for posting it on  FaceBook as well as (my twitter folks will attest) a reckless overindulgence of twitlonger.

A few days ago someone asked me to re-post a twitlonger I once wrote about toxic people. However, since so much has happened since then, I was excited to have the chance to expatiate on this topic even further.
(Actually, the thought of expatiating further on any topic gets my rocks off, I dunno why. Frankly, just typing the word expatiate is a goddamn good time.)

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Becoming Perfect




I lived most of my life as a liar.
From birth, I was taught that other people's realities took precedent over my own, and I that must do whatever I could to be exactly whom others wished me to be.

I was told that this would make them happy, which would then, in turn, make me happy.
I could never understand why I consistently failed at both, in such monumental ways.
It wasn't for lack of effort.

Never once did it occur to me that perhaps who I am is perfect.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!


The instant one becomes a "celebrity" they are given a bounty of extraordinary gifts, dazzling rewards and incredible riches. In return, there's just one little rule they must abide by:  They must never, ever complain again.

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Reality of Oprah


The lovely Sharon Smolarz O'Hara asked me this question on Face Book:
"Wondering if you think Oprah's intentions for Lindsay was to help her? Or help others to see what Lindsay went through post rehab? Or help herself?"



Honestly? Don't get me started on Oprah. I haven't seen the Lindsay show, but since OWN offered her a reality show before she even left her umpteenth rehab, and because OWN is desperate for ratings, I can't help but question their intentions. 
All under the guise of “helping an addict get her life together.”
Yeah, right.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The Hole


Thank you so much, Sir Fagsy Malone (above) for helping me design this blog-type thingamawhatsit.


We'll see how it goes, 
I'm a fucking addict, whaddaya want? Just cus I've been sober eight years doesn't mean I've suddenly become reliable. Or responsible. Or on time. Or a computer expert. 

At any rate, I really wanted this to be as interactive as possible, so it's not just me babbling to myself (although God help me I enjoy that too). I really hope you're inspired to comment or ask questions about anything you wish.


Contrary to rumors, I actually appreciate opinions that differ from mine, as long as they're expressed in a constructive, respectful manner.

Example: "I disagree, Kristen. I believe the more secrecy the better for addicts."
As opposed to:"Enjoy your relapse, bitch!" (An actual comment screamed into my face after the screening of a documentary I was in by one of my lovely comrades in recovery.)

Hey, not my idea of a happy recovery, but tomato, tomahto.
Sounds like someone has a hole.
Jesus. 
Not that kind, ya pervs. This kind....